moodstabilizer

Rose Garvin is not my real name; it is my pen name. I will not use my real name while writing this blog. I am a 20 year old female who is a sophomore in college. I am majoring in English Education due to my strong passion for literature, creative writing, and literary analysis. I have a 3.5 GPA, so I have not allowed this mental illness to obstruct my life… well, in my academic sense. My personal life is a different story…

A week ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Courtesy to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Bipolar Disorder, or manic depression, is a medical illness that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. Bipolar disorder is a chronic and generally life-long condition with recurring episodes of mania and depression that can last from days to months that often begin in adolescence or early adulthood, and occasionally even in children.

MANIA:

• either an elated, happy mood or an irritable, angry, unpleasant mood
• increased physical and mental activity and energy
• racing thoughts and flight of ideas
• increased talking, more rapid speech than normal
• ambitious, often grandiose plans
• risk taking
• impulsive activity such as spending sprees, sexual indiscretion, and alcohol abuse
• decreased sleep without experiencing fatigue

DEPRESSION:

• loss of energy
• prolonged sadness
• decreased activity and energy
• restlessness and irritability
• inability to concentrate or make decisions
• increased feelings of worry and anxiety
• less interest or participation in, and less enjoyment of activities normally enjoyed
• feelings of guilt and hopelessness
• thoughts of suicide
• change in appetite (either eating more or eating less)
• change in sleep patterns (either sleeping more or sleeping less)

Most of the time, I undergo what is called a “mixed state,” which is when symptoms of mania and depression occur at the same time. During a mixed state, depressed mood accompanies manic activation.

Some of you are probably thinking, “So what?” I can tell you that I was definitely not thinking that when those two words tumbled out of the psychiatrist’s mouth and on to the coffee table that divided us. That was the last thing I expected, to be honest. I tried to play psychiatrist on my own; I researched mental illnesses and tried to see if I could figure out for myself what I had. Honestly, I was expecting her to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder… schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder were last on my list.

Why was I doing this in the first place? I knew something was wrong with me. All my life, I couldn’t relate to people on an emotional level. I was emotional when others were not, and I was stone-cold when others would be sobbing. I would freak out, lash out at my loved ones and no one knew why. My mom and sister called me crazy, but they never reccommended therapy. My family was adamantly against psychotherapy.

So many teachers, school counselors, and social workers told my mother that I needed to see someone. She rejected their opinions and dismissed my behavior as attention-seeking. I felt horrible and guilty as if I failed my mother. She was a single-mother who packed up everything and left an abusive husband and father because she didn’t want her children to put up with him. He wasn’t an alcoholic or a drug-addict; he was just angry at everything. And, being the youngest child by eight years, I was his main target.

I don’t know if mental illness runs in my family. Like I said, my family didn’t believe in psychotherapy so whether or not anyone previously had Bipolar Disorder is beyond me. I wouldn’t be surprised though since everyone in my family is little on-edge. Everyone has quick tempers, violent outbreaks, etc. But, no one was more prone to crying as I was.

Now, as I enter the real world as a young woman, I’m noticing how my relationships with men are pathetically failing. A couple weeks ago, I ended my 11 and a half month relationship with my boyfriend. Although I was the one who ended it, I felt upset for three weeks because I kept wondering if he was taking the break-up as horribly as I was. Today, I impulsively acted on my emotions and demanded to know if he missed me, if he still loved me. After raking him for an hour and a half, he finally told me that he didn’t miss me, he no longer loved me, and he told me to get over it.

The relationship was awful, yes; but, I missed the idea of being loved by him. I wouldn’t call my reaction a symptom of obsession because I abhor the way he treated me toward the end of our relationship. Nonetheless, I wished he would just say that he missed me, too, and that he wished things had worked out. That he still loved me.

After this, I decided that I needed to take the mood stabilizers; no “normal” person would’ve reacted this way. At first, I resisted taking the mood stabilizers that my psychiatrist prescribed me. I was worried they would drastically change my outgoing, humorous personality. Now, I didn’t care. Anything would be better than feeling like this. I felt disassociated, like my body and my emotions were breaking up and moving away like space rocks in orbit. So, now begins my journey.

I’m writing this because I can’t talk to many people about this. Only a few trustworthy individuals are aware of my condition. I refuse to inform my family since it would only cause distress.

Nevertheless, I won’t allow this diagnosis to be a handicap. I’ve gotten this far successfully without my meds. I am only hoping that my relationships with others will improve and, perhaps, I can carry on a semi-normal relationship with a man. The medication I’m taking is called Lamotrigene, whose brand name is Lamictal. I’m starting off with 25mg and the goal is to have me gradually reach 200 mg. Courtesy of the National Center for Biotechnology Information, this is what it’s all about:

• is a medication commonly used for seizures in children two years and older, and bipolar disorder in adults
• may cause serious rashes that may need to be treated in a hospital or cause permanent disability or death. [Stephen Johnson Syndrome]
• may be more likely to develop a serious rash if you take a higher starting dose or increase your dose faster than your doctor tells you that you should.
• start on low dose of lamotrigine and gradually increase dose, not more than once every 1 to 2 weeks.
• used to increase the time between episodes of depression, mania (frenzied or abnormally excited mood), and other abnormal moods in patients with bipolar I disorder (manic-depressive disorder; a disease that causes episodes of depression, episodes of mania, and other abnormal moods).
• works by decreasing abnormal excitement in the brain.

By keeping this blog, I hope it will help me with my therapy; my goal is to lead a normal life and to experience my transition from adolescence to adulthood in as much of a painless fashion as possible. I will document my emotions and thoughts daily. This blog is as much for an audience as it is for my own well-being. I hope that, through this medium, I will be able to copy with my day-to-day life.